Girl, Shut the F**k Up.

Or, Why I Hate Angelina Jolie.

I never used to find Angelina Jolie particularly offensive. In fact, I quite liked her in Girl, Interrupted. That’s a good film, and she performed well in it, and I still think that she deserved her Oscar. But, since then, I have not seen her in a single good film, and she has been fairly darn bad in each one of those sub-standard films. It’s kind of like the curse of Halle Berry, except for one, inexplicable reason: Angelina Jolie still manages to be one of the most famous, worshipped, and admired women in the world (sorry, Halle).

About five years ago, Jolie was something of an enigma. You never really heard much of her, except that she was kind of weird, and, least anyone forget — very, very beautiful. Kind of like Kate Moss, actually. And then she adopted Maddox. And fell madly in adulterous (but we forgive them, for some strange reason) love with Brad Pitt. And adopted Pax. And Zahara. And Peaches and Fifi (she’s the shit one who nobody cares about) Geldof. And that kid from Two And A Half Men. And you! And she gave birth, too, to three other kids with silly names (well, Vivienne is normal enough, but y’know)! And now she wants another child! Hurray! See, I wouldn’t have a problem with all this silly child adoption/bearing, if herself and Brad kept the joy of having a baby to themselves — which, in fairness, they pretty much did after the first twelve. But ever since they had the twins, it seems that all we hear about is how much Angelina loves childrens, and how she wants more children, and how much she loves Brad, and how she wants to save the world, and how, oh dear, she might have to take a break from acting to raise all the kids (although some might remark that she took a rather extended break from acting about six years ago..). Oh! And she breastfeeds! And she wants you to see her breastfeed! Because breastfeeding, girls and boys, is something unique to amazing, Virgin Mary-like mothers such as Angelina, and not something that women have been doing since the dawn of time.

What I want to know is does Brad breastfeed, too?

Maybe now that Madge and Guy are divorced, Angelina can swoop in there and adopt their children, too. Just to avoid a bitter custody battle, you know? 

So, yeah. The moral of the story here is, basically, that I am really, really sick to the death of Angelina Jolie. People have been having big families for centuries, and most of these people are not multi-millionaires with a huge team of nannies. So shut up about it, Brangelina, and stop parading your children around the place to milk the novelty of them for all it’s worth. Adopt as many darn kiddies as you want. Just stop going on about it. 

Oh, and to get my two cents into the whole Suri vs. Shiloh debate — I think Suri is much cuter! What say you?